I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Every work call, he judges.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back