Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE