* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Pot warmers of the day.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]