Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.