I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
don’t be scared
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If only.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*