An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut