[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
You Might Also Like
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
i actually laughed 😩
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*seductively eats two tums*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread