Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.