He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
You Might Also Like
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done