[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
wish me luck lads
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485