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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Life cycle of cat
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Awwwww shit.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy