“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.