“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Word.
~ Microsoft.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?