@Schmoodles: Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
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@AristotlesNZ: Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.
@dave_cactus: HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together! TOTO: There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do. HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
@ArfMeasures: Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers? FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ