a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here