Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda