[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s an epidemic…
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
these two trucks have the same bed length
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.