*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When can I start eating bats again.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
A collection of me turning into random objects.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?