Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”