During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.