Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Doctors texting each other.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.