[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.