Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
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I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not