Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]