Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
SPLOOT
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.