Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.