‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”