At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?