i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.