@michaeljdawson: Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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@partlyfunny: My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It's so adorable.
@FilthyRichmond: Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.
@animaldrumss: me: How many calls do I get? cop: one me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
@kobychill: friend: why aren’t u dressed yet?? me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower