Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
checking out some reviews of my local library
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter