Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
There’s never enough good news
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
The funk soul brother
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha