CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Worth the read.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A bold strategy
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.