[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.