I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I need better friends
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.