Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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oh you wanna fight?!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me: