Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
This forever.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My Plans 2020
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home