Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.