“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
How do you milk an almond?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.