@Chumpstring: Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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@Browtweaten: Wife: You're not using the instructions to build the bookcase? Husband: Nope, I'm doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"
@Dawn_M_: [drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you're the only one awake.
@Playing_Dad: *shuts down road going both ways* Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened. *pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*