Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
three things we don’t talk about
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person