I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You Might Also Like
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”