If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast