Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.