Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
i did the math
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
much to think about
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.