Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*