Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The news in a nutshell.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!