chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.