Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
…..pretty much.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.