Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!