As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Lmaoo 😂
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.