Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.