choose your gary
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.